Kyle
Location: Crown Heights, Brooklyn — 8/4/2023
Author’s note: I met Kyle Victoy at a 6:30 am Wednesday morning track practice organized by Gold Finger Track Club (GFTC) at Boys and Girls High School in Bedstuy during the summer of 2021.
00;00;17;09
So, I'd like to thank the academy.
Where were you born? And where do you live now?
00;00;49;21
I was born in Greenville, South Carolina in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains. And I live in Brooklyn, New York. Now in Williamsburg.
If you could give your younger self some advice. What would that be?
00;02;13;26
‘There's no roadmap of how to live your life. Everyone does it differently. Normal doesn't exist. Don't waste your time trying to fit in someone else's box.’
I feel like my whole life I've tried to figure out how I need to be doing this or be living my life a certain way. Once I let go of the fear of disappointing people, it was much more fulfilling - yeah, letting go of that fear.
Was there a moment or a sequence of events that led to letting go of that fear/attachment to the roadmap?
00;03;05;24
I'm from the South, and most of the people I know from childhood are married with kids and a house. And I'm here [Brooklyn], 31 years old, I've been to 42 countries. I’ve lived in New York, San Francisco, and all around the world. And still, I often feel like I'm not doing life right because I'm not caught up to where a lot of people my age are.
And I have to remember - I'm living the sweet life, I can still have those other things if I want, but trying to let go of the pressure to do all that right now is crucial.
How do you navigate regret?
I truly think that what’s best for you will find you. I also believe that the experiences we have or didn't have lead us to new ones. I feel regret comes from attaching ourselves to something that's not meant for us. Attaching ourselves to that roadmap that we’ve made for ourselves in our heads.
Does childlike curiosity play a role in your life? And if so, how do you protect that innocent childlike wonder as you get older?
00;09;39;09
If I could pick one word to describe myself - it would be ‘curious.’ That’s why I've traveled to all these places and have a huge variety of different friends. I'm genuinely curious about all these different facets of life and art styles. I don't even have a specific art style because I'm too curious. My Instagram, for example - it's photos of me, film photos I take, all different art styles. I'm too curious to see where every direction will lead.
00;11;05;19
As I've gotten older, I've realized, God, yeah, it can be really draining to be curious. And I do have to protect myself and hone in on fewer things.
It sounds like there's a duality to curiosity; a dance between energizing and draining. Are these two sides of the same coin?
00;12;11;03
For me, curiosity will always be important, but so will stability and community. Right now, I'm trying to figure out how to weave everything together because I think it can be done.
And that is my question in life right now; How do I keep the fun and lightness of curiosity while building a stable life that's less exhausting? - because ya know, ya girls’ gettin’ tired.
Is there a quote or a sentiment of wisdom that deeply resonates with you? And why?
00;13;13;04
“The journey is the destination.” We get so caught up on results and specific parameters for success, that we don't even think about the beauty of getting there.
And by the time we get there, we're already fixated on something else. Always wanting more.
What activity/ies do you engage in where time seems to disappear?
00;14;23;15
Definitely when I’m illustrating. Also dancing, running, and talking to people. I consider myself very present, and despite having A.D.D. when I'm talking to my friends, I usually don't look at my phone or even know where the fuck it is. I love that - disconnecting.
What does love mean to you?
00;17;38;16
Oh, my God. Yeah. I think it can be a shared desire of truly wanting the best for somebody. And knowing that they also want that for you. Maybe not that second part because you can love someone without them loving you back. Yeah.
When it comes to your creativity, what is more challenging; that first stroke on the page or knowing when you've done the last stroke?
00;18;45;20
Not knowing how to start an illustration can be intense. I try to just do it quickly because it's kind of nerve wracking.
If you take too much time in the beginning, you're never going to fucking finish the damn thing. You have to just start sketching, make a bunch of lines.
Are you proud of yourself?
00;19;25;20
Yes.
Growing up in the South, where women are more meek and life typically goes a certain way, it was boring to me and a lot of people are very content with that. I knew I wanted to live differently since I was really little and I'm doing it. I thought there was more out there and I definitely have found it.
00;20;15;13
In a way, though, ignorance is bliss. I’ve seen so much that I'm almost perpetually confused about what choices to make, where to live, what kind of people I want to like because I know that all of it exists.
So literally, ‘The world is my oyster,’ but choosing . . .
This concept of indecision, how does that play a role in your life?
00;21;59;26
Indecision plays a huge role in my life. In fact, it is a huge issue for me and I'm trying to get better about it. Just choosing something and honoring my choice. I need to be okay with the fact that I can still be here and not have to constantly be manifesting the next thing.
Manifestations are important, but it can leave us in a rhythm of always wanting and never just stopping to really appreciate what we do have.
How do you allow your intuition to speak more clearly, more loudly?
00;26;45;01
I have always struggled to know the difference between anxiety and intuition.
Something that's from your intuition is going to feel like there's no urgency around it. There's no ego involved, it feels true and it feels right, and it's calming. I think you have to be quiet enough for your intuition to talk. You can reach that through meditating, being really still, or just getting out in nature. It’s hard to listen to your intuition when there's a ton of stuff going on.
On the flip side, what does that feeling of anxiety feel like?
00;28;11;21
A feeling of grasping; like I'm trying to make things happen and I pressure myself to make decisions right away.
When something doesn’t sit well with me I usually feel it in my stomach and I start having a thought loop and yeah, I hate it.
Is life meaningful?
Yes, I just think it's crazy that all of this just happened by chance. Everything you see, and we don't really know what else is out there. Apparently, there are aliens, which is sick, but how crazy is it that we all exist on this floating rock at the same moment in time?
What are two ways in which you could be kinder to yourself?
00;30;26;26
Slow the fuck down. I put so much pressure on myself to have everything figured out and I'm doing a lot of things and that is a hard, hard feat.
And the negative self-talk. I would never say any of the shit I say to myself to anybody else. Sometimes I catch myself being really mean. And I think one of the reasons I am so nice to people is because all of the meanness goes to myself. [she laughs] It's really funny, but like, I'm getting better about it.
